Time to Fix the ‘Bachelor Party’ Concept

 In Stuff

Certain traditions have become so ingrained in our society that we tend to blindly accept them as they are. Often a contrarian thinker, I like to look at things from an outsider’s perspective and today, we are going to examine the concept of one the most sacred rites of passage that men experience, the Bachelor Party.

Common thought views the bachelor party as perfect, a chance to go celebrate with your closest friends before marriage, after which, chances to celebrate with said friends tend to hit a sharp decline. Sounds great in theory, and it is, I just think we can do better.

I have been to many bachelor parties over the past 15 years and thinking back on them now, not ONE stands out as a lifelong memory. Don’t get me wrong; I had shitloads of fun on most of them, as hanging out with my friends acting like total dicks was (is?) one of my favorite pastimes. The thing is, being with a group of my guys, going out, partying all night, seeing the sunrise…in my mid-20s I called that Saturday, so the concept of the bachelor party was not a novel one. I was fortunate enough to have the majority of my friend’s bachelor parties be outside of New York, so the vacation factor was always a big plus. But again, trips with friends are ALWAYS a good time, so what did the ‘bachelor factor’ add to the experience? Truth is, not much.

So how do we improve the Bachelor Party? I believe we can do it with only two slight tweaks to the current system.

1) All bachelor parties should occur in your 20s, regardless of relationship status.

Have you been to a bachelor party in your mid-30s and upward? It is a sad, sad scene. A group of 10-15 lame-ass, married, out-of-shape dudes standing in a corner of a bar or club complimenting each others blue, untucked button downs. The daytime was probably nice, sitting around a pool or playing golf (if you like boring, elitist activities) and I’m sure there was dinner at a quality restaurant. You know what most 37-year old dads want after a day in the sun and a good meal? A fuckin’ bed.

Bachelor parties should have that crazy, party element they are supposedly famous for. It is a young man’s game. When you are around 25 years old, you and your friends all get together and map out a plan. Every 6-months one of you is the ‘bachelor’ and creates the agenda for the group. I don’t know about you, but when I was 26 I was much more likely to say ‘YES’ to someone suggesting a weekend trip to Reykjavik or a Wed night to Mon AM European escapade than when I was 36. Basically, at 26 I’m in, at 36 I’m out.

Now you have 2 events each year with your boys, as 20-something, hopefully single, youthful, exuberant dudes, looking for a good time and some trouble, which are not mutually exclusive.

2) Define it.

This can mean a theme, an event, a goal, something that makes it more than just a trip or a night with the guys. A bachelor party should be special and memorable. We need to make it stand out from the usual friend vacations and activities.

Luckily, you know me, and me has a few ideas.

My personal favorite is the baby-themed bachelor party. Being the father of a 2-year old I have noticed how these infants and toddlers live the life. When the time comes to have your bachelor party, I believe you deserve the same perks as a 1-year old.

The elements to include for a successful ‘Baby Bachelor Party’:

  • A handler. Someone to make sure you are always breathing, that you do not starve to death, and to see that you spend the minimal amount of time with excrement in your underwear.
  • Food & Drink, on demand. While crying and screaming may not be beneath some of you, a bell, buzzer, app, or some technology will suffice. Hungry? Get fed. Thirsty? Get drink.
  • Naps. Mid-day rest for the mind and body. A treasure that leaves us all, as we get older.
  • A vibrating swing. What do you want to sit on? A couch? Please. At this event you relax in a hammock-like apparatus that hangs from above, swings automatically, and if you desire, vibrates.
  • Robes. I think diapers may be pushing it so robes and underwear is a fantastic replacement. When was the last time you didn’t feel great about life while wearing a robe and underwear? See? You got nothing.
  • Baths.

  • Breasts. In your face every few hours.
  • Music. Something soothing (or whatever you want, really…it is your party) always playing. Every few hours though, at random times, the ‘We Did It’ song from Dora the Explorer comes on and you and your friends all stop what you’re doing and dance.
  • Strollers. Walk? At your own bachelor party? Just go to Vegas or something if that’s the type of “fun” you’re looking for. How about being wheeled around everywhere you go? Yes, please.

I don’t know if I am more ashamed or disappointed that I did not think of this earlier in life.

 

The strange thing about the next two ideas is that they both come from a mediocre movie I’m not even positive I watched from start to finish. It must have been on cable a lot in the early 2000s and a couple things stuck in this head-vault of mine.

Rat Race is described on IMDB as follows:

A Las Vegas casino magnate, determined to find a new avenue for wagering, sets up a race for money.

Okay, so maybe it is clear why this movie stuck with me.

While I’m more excited about idea #2 that generated from this Oscar snub, I have to at least quickly mention the concept of a race.

You and your bachelor party crew select a region to race in. You choose your vehicle type. You pre-order anything and everything you want stocked on board your ride and it is waiting on arrival. A driver is assigned to you.

Other bachelor party factions are doing the same thing at the same time. They will be your competition.

I remember doing a ‘road rally’ my senior year in high school. Riding around with friends, figuring out clues, ending up at a party with everyone else who was doing the same thing. Why this is not a thriving business somewhere, I have no idea.

Moving on.

 

Gambling is not new to the bachelor party experience, obviously. However, the landscape of the entire gaming industry is transforming and in the next 5 to 10 years, gambling will be legalized.

I believe that experiential gambling will become a thing.

When I was a really cute kid, I went on a few vacations to Montego Bay, Jamaica, with my mom. My favorite memory of those trips was daily crab racing. The best guy ever would show up poolside at 4pm each day with a cardboard box full of hermit crabs, like 80 of them, varying in size and painted 1 of 6 colors. He would draw a large circle on the pool deck. My man would then look through the box of crabs and pull out 6 of them, each a different color. He would transfer the chosen competitors to a smaller, clear box and place it directly in the center of the pool deck circle, face down so the crabs could not escape.

The viewing audience would step up, analyze the clear box and decide which color crab looked like it was on its way to victory. In this scenario, victory is determined by the crab who first reaches the outside of the circle once the box is lifted. Then, awesome Jamaican dude would take bets.

{Quick aside: All of the other kids used to run up, fall in love with the most hyper-active crab, and place their bet. I just sat there, patiently waiting like Eminem and 50. When all of the chaos subsided and the ‘gate’ was about to close, I would stroll up to the real ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’, and look at his sheet. This pristine document was basically a napkin with a column of colors written out, each with a certain amount of check marks next to it. These were the already placed bets. My guy knew my play and placed checkmarks next to the colors that had the least action. I wanted the big payday or nothing at all. No need to even scout the crabs pre-race. Sometimes my horse didn’t even move and finished dead last, but those times when we shocked the world, it was ice cream on me for all the young ladies.}

Once all the bets were in, guy who should have been the best man at my wedding makes the greatest start of a race horn noise that any human could possibly muster. He lifts the box in the center of the circle, and off we go. I can’t recall anything from my childhood that was more exhilarating for 5 seconds.

Today I would probably spend most of my time in Jamaica inquiring about the treatment of the crabs when they are not racing. What are the living conditions? Who makes sure the crabs are fed? Does someone massage the hermit’s little crab legs after a day of work?

Now back to Rat Race. There is a secondary story line that has a group of casino guests making wagers on ‘normal’ events.

Things like this:

Experiential gambling.

You have a Bet Master General that you hire to travel around with the group. He or she sets up the wagers as you go about your usual business. Imagine action ALL DAY LONG, gambling on the randomness of the world around you.

Except crabs.

No more crabs, or any animals for that matter. Objectifying humans in this way, sure. Animals, absolutely not.

 

It doesn’t take much, guys. A couple small edits to an already tremendous concept is all we need. The Bachelor Party is a slice of Americana that will be with us till the end of time. Why not improve it?

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